27) The End 26) Sex
Living life for a mental affair and
giving up the one who does care,
may seem like the right thing to do but
I say you're bound to sing the blues.
I once had a girl, and I was her world.
She was my Heaven, until it unfurled.
Another's eyes came into my mind and
I began to treat my baby unkind.
One day I woke up late.
I reached for my baby, but I grabbed my fate.
She had felt me toss in the night,
She knew my head wasn't right.
You'll never know what a good thing you had
'til it's all gone, then you'll feel bad.
Then you'll wallow in a mental affair
with your baby who’s no longer there.
Malcolm Mohil
"Mental Affair"
In the process of dealing with her jealousy, Becky opened herself up more to Bruce, the guy she met at the Humane Society the previous year, who she was dating the past few months. Unconsciously, she was detaching herself from Malcolm to avoid being hurt. She was beginning to wish for a more normal relationship. She enjoyed the openness of her and Malcolm's relationship, but it wasn't satisfying her. She was tired of fearing he was going to leave her for another woman.
Plus, she was thinking of having a child, and Malcolm didn't want one. He felt that was the most irresponsible thing a person could do. Not only was he not ready to support one, but the environmental impacts of raising a child were enormous. All the diapers and resources another human needed to survive didn't seem worth the joy having a child would bring.
Malcolm did think it would be awesome to raise a child, though. He realized by raising a child, a person could shape that child’s mind. If he raised one, he dreamed of teaching it his values and philosophies. He imagined programming the genes in his sperm to have DNA highly evolved. In his mind, he dreamed of the ideals he wanted to pass on to his kin and pictured those ideals shaping the DNA. He imagined the child inheriting these ideal characteristics and growing up with an evolved neocortex, an open heart and a respect for life. He imagined the pride he would feel watching his child grow up to be a leader in the name of love.
He contemplated adoption, but didn't think it would be the same. Though it would be nice to provide a healthy home to a child who needed one, he wanted to pass on his genes. In the end, if the time was right, he would rather adopt a child than create a new one, but he still wasn't ready right now.
This didn't sit well with Becky. She wanted to feel the joy of having a baby in her womb. She wanted to give birth to her own child. She wanted to raise a family. She wanted a secure relationship. She was beginning to feel Malcolm couldn't offer this to her, no matter how much they loved each other. So, she began to stray.
It wasn't long until she fell in love with Bruce. She felt he could give her what she deserved. She hid this from Malcolm for a few weeks, until she was sure she really wanted to go through with it. After long hours of confused thoughts, she ended her relationship with Malcolm
He was devastated. He was unwilling to compromise on the open relationship and the child, though, so they broke up. It took her a couple of weeks to find a new place to live. During this time, the tension was high and their hearts were heavy. There were times when Becky was tempted to try again and times when Malcolm was tempted to compromise, but they both realized their paths were diverging.
Cami was as supportive as she could be for Malcolm. She was there when he was down, but there was only so much of his depression she could take. She would distance herself when he was too hard to be with.
On the day Becky moved out, she asked for her ring back. Malcolm didn't want to take it off his finger. When he did, he felt his world crumble apart. They both were crying when she walked out, glancing one last time on the world she was leaving before shutting the door behind her.
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Malcolm remembered all this as he stared out his window, watching people pass by on this frosty Autumn evening. All the good times he and Becky had. What they learned from each other. How much they grew together. All their dreams. All their pains. All their laughter and tears. All of that was now a memory. A memory haunting his head, reminding him she was really gone.
It had been 10 hours since Becky left, but to him it seemed like eternity. It was 2 in the morning, but he couldn't sleep. He felt tired, but there was no way for him to enter dreamland this night. His mind was racing and his body was stressing. He felt sick. He was going to have to ride it out.
For a while, he silently protested her departure. He called her name, cried for her to return. He paced back and forth around his house. He felt angry. His blood pressure and heart rate were high. He knew this was the normal protest phase and this knowledge helped him deal with the pain. He feared, though, what would come next.
It didn't take him long to realize his protesting was fruitless. He let it go and slipped into the despair phase, his greatest fear. He withdrew from the world. He had no motivation to do anything. He didn't even want to think, but he couldn't stop his mind from taunting him with memories of Becky. Everything in his house reminded him of her. All the associative memories of the living room, the kitchen, the bedroom, the bathroom, his guitar, his body, everything was somehow connected to her. He knew the first thing he needed to do was to break those connections.
He decided to perform a ritual cleansing of the house. First, he gathered the things directly connected to her, like items she bought for the house, letters she had given him, things that could be disposed of. He built a fire in the fireplace and watched all the things that would burn rise up in flames of purification. The non-flammable things he dumped in the trash can. Bigger things he put outside with a sign saying, “FREE!” He then burned some incense and walked around the house with it while chanting a mantra. He felt empowered by this little ritual, which made him feel better. Enough, at least, for him to sleep for a few hours.
Malcolm awoke at dawn feeling worse than the night before. He missed Becky intensely and realized just how much he depended on her. It wasn't just for limbic regulation, either, though he did feel that was part of his connection with her. He missed her mind, her laughter, her caress and her curiosity. He missed her conversation and her wit. He missed her love. He missed her. He never felt so alone waking up this morning.