10) Falling In Love 9) An Ideal Society
Your warm body is better than a cold night any day.
Your smile is better than a sad frown, too.
When you’re here I have two of my favorite things.
I feel your warmth and I see your smile beaming through.
A sound sleep is better than insomnia any day.
A deep dream is better than a nightmare, too.
When I'm with you I have two of my favorite things:
I can sleep 'cause I know all my dreams are true.
You are life, life is beautiful,
beauty is free, freedom's what I feel,
feeling when I'm with you.
Malcolm Mohil
"Anyday"
Malcolm woke up holding Becky snugly in his arms. He hadn't slept with someone for a long time and was very happy to wake up next to her. He gave her a very loving hug and kissed her on the back of the neck. She let herself be hugged and kissed tenderly. It had been a while for her, as well.
"You're awake, too," Becky said. "How did you sleep?"
"I've slept better, but never more contentedly. How about you?"
"I didn't sleep too well," she said.
"Probably because you're in a strange bed."
"That, and I have a lot on my mind. My head's buzzing." She paused to think, then continued, "I think I'm falling in love with you."
Malcolm felt his chest swell and his body tingle. He turned her head around so he could see her eyes and give her a deep, wet kiss. He felt he was falling in love as well. He asked, "What does that mean to you?"
"Well, to me 'falling in love' means developing an attraction towards a person who then becomes the focus of your attention. Someone may be attracted to another for various reasons such as appearance, presentation and talent. Obviously, there are sexual attractions where one person desires to make the other person their mate.
"Once a feeling of attraction happens, there’s a desire to 'get to know' the other person better. If the feelings are mutual, then the couple wants to spend as much time together as possible. They want to share themselves with one another. A sense of intimacy occurs which encourages the couple to open up more.
"As ideas and stories are exchanged, a bond between the two occurs. Each person's giving the other a piece of their self. Thus, the connection's strengthened.
"Sexual tension develops as the two desire to share a physical connection. When things get physical this bond becomes more tangible. Feelings have moved from the emotional and the mental realms to the physical realms.
"If the couple continues to grow together, they’ll turn their initial crush which was based on fantasies and expectations of who they thought the other was into true love. True love is accepting the other for who that person is rather than who they're thought to be. This means loving them despite their quirks. This means forgiving them of their mistakes. This means supporting them through their trials. All because there’s still a desire to maintain a bond due to the adorable qualities still attractive.
"That’s probably more than you expected to hear," Becky said.
"That's why I like you. You take it to the next level," Malcolm replied.
"I'm curious to know if you've learned anything about the physiology of love studying psychology," Malcolm asked.
"A little. I've been taught the physiological reason we love is because people need to procreate. According to biologists, living organisms are driven by instincts to reproduce.
"The building block of our body is DNA. The genetic code contains the blue print shaping the body. DNA makes proteins and determines the physical characteristics of the body.
"The love instincts are driven by DNA. One theory is DNA's living and desiring to reproduce through the creation of another body. Our bodies are the vehicles through which DNA passes on itself. In a sense, DNA's immortal, only changing through sexual recombination, mutation and adaptation to a changing environment. Whatever the reason may be, DNA produces hormones causing the organism to behave in certain ways. This is the biological response.
"The hormones cause a person to feel lonely, unfulfilled, horny, and sexually frustrated, among other feelings. These feelings cause a person to look for a mate. This is the psychological response.
"Psychologists theorize people develop an ideal lover in their head. They call this ideal a ‘love map’, which means there’s a certain expectation needing to be met before a person can be considered for a mate. The love map's created from infancy through adulthood and's based upon a person's experiences and relationships that have shaped the individual’s personality. A potential mate may be one who looks a certain way, acts a certain way, has a certain lifestyle or is from a certain background.
"For example, I have a crush on you because you fit my love map, like a key fits a lock. My love map was created during my life by my parents, siblings, friends, books I've read, movies I've seen and experiences I've had. I might not even be consciously aware of all the attributes you have fitting my love map, but there's something about you I find incredibly attractive. Hopefully, I fit your love map, too," Becky said, smiling.
"So, is that why people who have an abusive parent often find themselves in an abusive relationship?" Malcolm asked.
"Twisted, but probably true. Like genetic characteristics, abusive behaviors are passed on from generation to generation. That's why abusive relationships persist. In a sense, they’re how people think love should be expressed. So a person will be attracted to another who fits the figure of someone who will be abusive or someone who can be abused. Maybe it’s their manners, their language or their past. There’s something about them reminiscent of an abusive or abused parent, so the couple falls in love. Consciously they may be miserable or feel guilty, but it’s difficult to break the relationship because it’s similar to their childhood and thus perceived as being normal and acceptable. Any other relationship may not make them feel as alive. It’s not always true, but it has been shown to occur.
"Likewise, 'healthy' views of relationships are passed on in the same way. A person may have parents who are very loving and supportive of one another. This then becomes the blueprint for the love map in the child's head. Thus, this child will seek a relationship to fulfill her ideal.
"Maybe a child will witness her parent's relationship and decide she wants one that’s different. She may be able to consciously change her love map and thus have a completely different relationship. Or maybe her love map will change as she gains experience through having relationships. In the end, though, it’s up to her to design her love map, as it is to decide her destiny.
"Anyways, now that you fit my love map, I have fantasies about you in sexual and other ways. Lust is the basic desire I feel for you. This is driven by testosterone, the sex hormone attributed to other behaviors such as aggression and anger. Maybe not surprisingly, it’s been found 25% of homicides are due to lover spats and sex rivals. They call these 'crimes of passion’, which are probably due to our friend testosterone," she said, gazing into his eyes.
Malcolm leaned over and caressed her cheek. He then planted a big kiss on her lips.
"Testosterone?"
She nodded her head.
"Now I feel an attraction and a desire to share myself with you. This is 'falling in love.' It's infatuation. I have trouble concentrating and sleeping because I’m attracted to and distracted by you. I like it, though, because I feel giddy and euphoric due to hormones such as dopamine my body's producing. It's a natural high.
"Psychologist have described a third type of love besides lust and infatuation. It's called attachment. It occurs after a couple has been together for a long time. It’s felt even when lust and infatuation have disappeared. The hormone linked to this feeling is oxytosine, an endorphin. It causes security and comfort. The couple has grown so much together their brains almost need each other to feel safe. They’ve come to accept each other for whom they are and they're happy. This is true love to me.
"Any of these types of love can result in heartbreak, but the hardest one to get over is true love. When a person loses someone they've spent most of their life with, it's as if their world has crumbled apart. All those attachments linking the couple together are strong. All those memories are powerful. When that person's left alone they have to relearn how to live on their own without the security of the relationship they knew. It can be incredibly lonely and difficult to pull through. Sometimes, people who lose their lifelong spouse die if they succumb to the despair.
"The key is for that person to stay active by engaging in activities, traveling around, visiting with family and friends or doing other things to distract the person from loneliness. It’s even recommended for that person to find a new mate. Certainly, there’s therapy in grief and mourning, but eventually the person should realize they still have a life to live, which means love to give, which means expressing in and engaging with the world.
"Scientist have discovered some interesting things studying other mammals. They’ve found how important it is for mammals to maintain bonds with others.
"For example, they've done studies on baby chimps to determine the affect isolation has on the baby. When first isolated, the baby goes through what’s termed a 'protest phase.' There’s an increase in catecholamine, which is a hormone that increases alertness and activity. There’s also an increase in cortisol, which is a stress hormone. As a result, the baby will increase its motor activity as if looking for its mother. It'll increase its vocalization, as if crying for its mother. Its heart rate and body temperature rises. The baby's stressing out.
"After prolonged isolation occurs, the baby falls into the despair phase. Its motor activity, vocalization, socialization, play and food and water intake decreases. Its heart rate, body temperature, weight, growth, respiration, cellular immunity and REM sleep also go down. They have an increase in self-huddling, sleep arousal, irregular heartbeat, slouched posture and sad facial expressions.
"These are the classic signs of depression. Anybody who's suffered the loss of someone they love or has been lonely could relate to this. They would probably wonder why they subjected these animals to this cruel treatment, knowing how horrible it can be."
"It's crazy what kind of experiments have been performed on animals. I often wonder how scientists can justify them, or even perform them without feeling guilty," Malcolm interjected.
"I think most scientists try to look at the bigger picture when performing their experiments. I don't think they're Dr. Frankenstein or really enjoying what they're doing to the animals. For the most part, I think they detach themselves as much as they can so they won't have to acknowledge the pain the animals may feel.
"Any way, studying isolation in mammals has given scientists a better understanding of the physiology and psychology of social bonds and the importance of mothering, which hopefully can be useful. One of the fascinating theories developed from this research is called 'limbic regulation' which is a synchronized physiology between two individuals occurring through the limbic systems of the two individuals.
"Since the limbic system is responsible for producing emotions, regulating certain body functions and is more developed than the neocortex at birth, it’s a very important part of the brain in the early years of childhood development, as well as in the later years of development. It’s believed to be the primary way in which the infant gathers information from its environment, particularly its mother.
"Through a limbic connection between an infant and its mother, the infant's regulated emotionally and even physiologically. The baby picks up body language such as facial expressions and tone of voice from its mother. It’s believed through this psychic connection the mother unconsciously passes this vital information on to her baby, thus keeping the baby stable. This is believed to be the reason human infants rarely survive if they're emotionally neglected. They need to have the emotional feedback from their mother or other person to keep them healthy, active and stimulated.
"If a baby's removed from its mother too soon, too frequently or for too lengthy periods of time, the baby has an increased risk of developing anti-social behaviors and a lifelong vulnerability to despair. This is due to the fact that when the baby cannot limbically resonate with another, it exhibits physiological chaos, as in the case of the studies on isolating the baby chimps. This causes chronic stress in the body, which inhibits its growth over the long term. This produces an abnormal development of the neocortex, resulting in a twisted view of the world. This is probably one explanation for the dreaded sociopath.
"Chimps raised in isolation have difficulty interacting with other chimps. They have unpredictable behaviors. They exhibit self-mutilation. They're neglectful mothers if they're lucky enough to mate.
"They've done studies on babies where they put a baby in a crib with either a regular teddy bear or a teddy bear having a simulated breath. The babies with the bear that breathed had a more consistent heartbeat, steadier breathing and a sounder sleep than the babies with the inanimate teddy bear. The researchers concluded the breathing bear provided a steady rhythm for the baby, which simulated a mother enough to stabilize the baby’s limbic system.
"Babies need emotional contact. They need their mothers in order to have limbic regulation. They need limbic regulation in order to develop properly. They need to develop properly if they want to live harmoniously in society."
"I like that theory. It sort of explains why our society's getting more and more out of control," Malcolm said.
"Yes, and it explains why mothering is so important. It explains why having an extended family helping to raise the baby is so important. The more attention the baby gets, the more its limbic system is stimulated, regulated and stabilized. Thus, it has a better chance of allowing the child to conform to the society it’s a part of.
"The baby's in a sense being calibrated. Hopefully, the folks doing the calibration are calibrating correctly. We want the baby to be balanced.
"With the increase in both parents working, the increase in TV-babysitting and the increase in daycare, it’s apparent there’s bound to be an affect on the developing child. Its limbic system's being neglected and regulated by stimuli outside of the parents’ control. Also, the neocortex is conforming to what it sees as being normal. It's no wonder people become violent and selfish. It's what they've learned while growing up. It's no wonder people in cities are more adaptable and tolerant. They're exposed and conforming to more diverse stimuli. Since people have inherent desires to be different and stand out, things become even more diverse and outlandish. We reap what we sow, and we sow what we reap, in ever-changing diversity."
"So, limbic regulation's important during infancy, as well as throughout a person's life," Malcolm stated.
"If limbic regulation actually occurs, it’s important for everybody at all times. Everybody's limbically regulating everybody else to a certain degree. Seeing somebody who is upset can upset you. Seeing someone smile can make you happy. These are outside stimuli exhibited by another person who affects your emotional, thus physiological, state.
"No person's an island in our sea of humanity. We're more like boats that can be bounced around by the rolling waves. Sometimes the weather's calm and you’re at peace, other times the weather's stormy and you can be capsized and engulfed in the ocean of emotions."
"You know, I've noticed if someone's in a bad mood, I usually become happier," Malcolm said.
"Me, too. We still have free will. We aren’t totally overridden by other people. Maybe when you see someone in a bad mood you remember what it’s like. You see how unpleasant it looks to be in a bad mood, so you decide you don't want to feel bad and you choose to feel good. Or maybe you feel good because someone's feeling bad. That is, you see someone who feels worse than you. It’s sort of an ego trip. Like you are better than that person is."
"Maybe it’s to balance the energy out. Like yin-yang," Malcolm added.
"The point is, this is still limbic regulation. Whether or not you conform to the emotions another person exhibits, you are still changing to the circumstances. Your mood's being altered.
"It's been shown women who live together can sometimes synchronize their menstrual cycles. Women can be induced to lactate when they’re around a mother and her baby for an extended period of time. This is limbic regulation.
"This is also why football games are so powerful. Everybody's limbically regulating everybody else. The emotions are being spread among the crowd. It's hard not to feel that energy when you’re at the game, even if you’re not a fan. It's contagious.
"It also explains why warfare can spread, because armies are composed of limbically regulated trained killers. Put them in a war zone, and things can quickly spiral out of control."
"Perhaps that's also why losing someone you love's so painful," Malcolm added. "While a couple's growing together they're limbically regulating each other. They're keeping each other stable. When one person leaves, the other's left without another to regulate with. That person's limbic system's thrown into chaos. As in the case of the baby chimps, the person goes through the protest phase, showing all the associated behaviors and physiology. Perhaps the person will fall in the despair phase, becoming depressed."
"Exactly. It takes time for the limbic system to readjust itself and balance back into stability. The key is to maintain limbic connections with others so there continues to be a certain amount of regulation going on.
"Some people, however, don't like to be limbically regulated. Perhaps because they had a limited amount of social stimulation growing up and learned to cope without the need. These people are anti-social and introverted, like hermits. They actually don't like being with groups of people, or even one person, because they unconsciously feel their limbic system being affected by the other. They may not know why, but it’s uncomfortable for them. Perhaps it depends on whom the person is with. This isn't bad. In fact, I'm sort of jealous they’re fine without being in the company of other people.
"On the other hand, there are people who cannot be alone. They're eaten up by the loneliness they feel. They're dependent on their relationships. Probably because they’re limbic system never had a chance to regulate itself. They need to be in the company of another to feel safe, stable and healthy. These are the extroverts, the socialites, and the people who like to be the center of attention.
"Obviously, there are degrees on both sides people fall between. Most people can be alone for a while, but enjoy relationships with others. It also depends on the stage in their life they're in. If the person's single, the person will have an easier time being alone. If the person gets married, it may take a while for the person to adjust to being alone if her spouse leaves town for a week. Everybody's different because we have different genes and different nurturing."
"When I was a kid, I liked being alone," Malcolm said. "I didn't know what it meant to be lonely. When I started dating Sarah, I became more dependent on her. I felt the shift happening in me. After we broke up, I felt what it was like to be lonely. I didn't want to be alone. I couldn't handle it. I thought I was going crazy. Eventually, I adjusted and was able to cope, but I still have this need to be with another."
"I know what you mean. Love is addicting. Once you taste it, you want more. Perhaps it’s because while we’re loving somebody, our limbic system's being regulated. We’re becoming dependent on another for that stability.
"You were going crazy when you and Sarah broke up. Your limbic system was throwing your body into physiological and psychological chaos. It wasn't used to being alone. You felt lonely and were scared as a result. That’s totally normal. So, you weren’t going crazy. Ironic, isn't it?" Becky asked rhetorically.
They paused to hold and kiss each other, to feel each other's presence. They tried to feel limbic regulation occurring in them, but it wasn't apparent. They could feel love burn in them, they felt passion and a desire to share themselves, but they couldn't determine if they were being limbically regulated. Nonetheless, they were both extremely content.
After a while, Malcolm broke the silence and asked, "What about falling in love without the desire to mate. I mean, people say they love this, or love that. Is that really love or is that just an expression people use?"
"Of course people feel love for others who can’t be their mate, such as family members, friends and even objects and actions. A person can develop a bond with a pet. You've developed a bond with your guitar. Many of my friends have developed a bond with a sport. I think it’s love because a person still wraps herself up in these things. All of these are love because the person connects with them and's able to express him or herself to or through them.
"People can even get infatuated with their passion, becoming fanatical about. Their whole focus is on their endeavor, whether writing a book, producing a movie, fighting poverty, or whatever their current cause may be. They're absorbed by what they're focusing on.
"This is still limbic regulation causing a person to feel attachment and fulfillment, it's just not necessarily limbic regulation with another individual.
"People feel love in different parts of their body. Love can be felt in the groins, the solar plexus region, the chest region, the head or the whole body. The location of where love's felt depends on the situation. Sexual attraction's felt in the groin areas. True love's felt in the whole body.
"The body's amazing. It provides the means with which our consciousness relates to the world. Consciousness allows a person to be aware. This is the aspect of self that lets a person observe and sense the world. As observation occurs, the brain's interpreting what’s being sensed. Signals are sent from the brain to the rest of the body regarding the stimuli. Consciousness determines how the body should react.
"If the stimuli's dangerous, the body will feel a desire to protect itself. The consciousness then determines which course of action to take.
"If the stimuli were a sexually attractive person, the body will feel a desire to get closer. The brain produces a signal causing the DNA to produce hormones, which causes the consciousness to decide what behavior to exhibit. The person may approach the stimuli to get to know the other person better. All with the intent of developing a bond and thus share love with this person."
Becky paused to gather her thoughts. She looked at Malcolm directly in the eyes while kissing his hands.
"Since we've just met, I'm still in the infatuation stage with you. I don't want to scare you or anything, just be honest with what I'm feeling. I like you a lot, Malcolm and I want to get to know you better. I want you to give me yourself completely, though I don't expect that. I want to give you myself completely. I'm yours, if you want."
Malcolm's head was racing. His chest was on fire. He felt the same way, but was very cautious about giving too much of himself.
"I like you a lot, too, Becky. Ideally, I want to open myself completely to you, but right now I can't. We just met and I'm still jaded with past relationships. I don't want to be hurt or hurt you if things don't work out. I want to spend time with you, but let's take it slow. If things work out, we'll be glad we did."
"I understand. I'm jaded, too. But I have so much love in me, so much love I want to share with you. It hurts to contain it. I don't want to live in my past, be traumatized by heartbreak, so much so I'm closed off. The way I figure it, I'm living now. I'm here with you now. I have love now. Why not give it to you now? That's part of the evolution of the brain we were talking about last night, right? I mean, did Jesus close off his love when he was crucified?"
"I thought you didn't believe in him?"
"I don't believe in the church's interpretation of his life. I don't believe the Bible's the Word of God. I want to believe there was a human who understood the power of love and was able to express it unconditionally. I believe that’s the only option people have if we want to create a healthy society," Becky explained.
"Does that mean you believe in his miracles, too?"
"I don't know. I would like to believe there are powers we don't understand yet, that we can harness to do miraculous things. Maybe they’re just laws of nature we can use if we learned how to tap into them. They wouldn't be miracles, just applications of principles."
"Do you know what resonance is?" Malcolm asked.
"Isn't that some physical law saying one thing affects another through frequency or something like that? I suppose like limbic regulation. Why?"
"Well, I've been thinking a lot about resonance. It's one of the reasons I'm interested in physics. I have a theory about resonation that if it’s true would explain miracles and psychic phenomena and perhaps be a key to developing our ideal society."
"I'd like to hear it."
"OK, but I need a visual aid. I'll be right back."
He was about to get up when Becky grabbed him and brought him close to her.
"Don't I get a good-bye kiss?"
He smiled and gave her multiple kisses. "Of courrrse!"